The revolution will be transcribed

Hi there, USC student. So really, what do you think about all of this? Last August I set out on watching the first Democratic YouTube debate with a group of Trojans. Enlightening? Embarassing? Either way, here's the transcript.



A group of five twenty-something college kids— Anam, Ashley, Josh, Nik, Sarah— gather around the television for an evening of debauchery, Disney Princess fruit snacks and Democrats.

Close up: Perfectly coiffed Anderson Cooper in full silver fox glory.

ANDERSON COOPER: Our first question tonight is from Zach Kempf in Provo, Utah.

ANAM: Oh my god, Anderson, you’re the heart of my ocean.

ASHLEY: Anderson you’re so dreamy.

SARAH: I’d vote for you Coop-y.

COOPER: Sen. Dodd, you’ve served in Congress for more than thirty years. Can you honestly say you’re any different than the rest of the Beltway crowd?

SEN. DODD: Well, I think so.

NIK: Really you think so? Why does his hair look like a croissant?

ANAM: (sighs) Oh man he’s so full of himself (reaches for fruit snacks). “Oh look at me, I’m old and white with fluffy hair like a dove.”

SARAH: (fixated on Cooper) Anderson you’re so dreamy. Come to my window.

COOPER: Mrs. Clinton, how would you define the word liberal?

SEN. HILLARY CLINTON: I prefer the word “progressive,” which has a real American meaning, going back to the progressive era at the beginning of the 20th century.

SARAH: Thanks for the history lesson Hil. Can you give me the low-down on muckraking and moonshine now?

ASHLEY: Yeah and maybe a brief synopsis on the causes of World War I?

SEN. MIKE GRAVEL: I want to take on Barack Obama for a minute, who said he doesn’t take money from lobbyists. Well, he has 134 bundlers. Now, what does he think that is? Besides that, he has received money from a Robert Wolf, the head of the USB…

COOPER: Sorry, your time is up, senator.

GRAVEL: …and it’s a foreign-owned bank!

JOSH: Doesn’t Gravel remind you of a grandpa who was haphazardly pulled from his rocking chair and just thrown onto the stage?

SARAH: C’mon Gramps! We got a debate to go to!

ANAM: But but but… I have to finish my Werther’s originals!

A five-minute conversation continues on possible Grampa Gravel scenarios just pre-debate, ie., taking a nap, drinking Metamucil, watering his plants. Everyone in the room comes to the consensus that since Gravel is 1) the former senator from Alaska 2) very old and 3) looks like he knows how to make good toffee, that he will now lovingly be referred to as Gramps.

YouTube Debate video submission of Sen. Dodd begins.

VIDEO QUESTION: Senator, how did you get the white hair?

DODD: Hard work, I suppose. For example, it took me seven years to pass the Family and Medical Leave Act, and I helped to end wars in Central America and bring peace to Northern Ireland. I’m ready to be president.

VIDEO QUESTION: Well, how many white hairs do you have?

DODD: Hundreds, thousands, I presume.

VIDEO QUESTION: Really?

DODD: I’m Chris Dodd, and we approved this message.

The group is silent for about 10 seconds.

SARAH: That was one of the worst videos I’ve ever seen.

ANAM: “I got white hairs from ending wars in Central America?” Whaa?!

ASHLEY: Fidel Castro still has black hair. He was involved in more wars than freakin’ Dodd.

JOSH: That’s cuz Castro dyes his hair…while smoking cigars.

NIK: So does Dodd.

SARAH: You can’t buy white hair color.

JOSH: You’re right… White hair doesn’t come out of a bottle. You can only get it by ending wars!

COOPER: Is anyone on the stage in favor of reparations for African-American descendants of slaves?

REP. DENNIS KUCINICH: I am.

Everyone in the room awws at Kucinich’s meager height and elfish smile.

ANAM: I LOVE YOU KUCINICH!

COOPER: Gov. Richardson, the Democrats talk a lot about the failure of the president to deal with Hurricane Katrina. The governor of Louisiana was a Democrat. The mayor of New Orleans was a Democrat as well.

GOV. BILL RICHARDSON: Well, there were politics… This is what I would do. The response of our government to Katrina, before, during and after, was inexcusable. We have got to eliminate in the future any red tape that helps families– er, that helps the devastation.

ANAM: Geez, what’s devastating is your face.

NIK: Yeah…So if you’re running for president, wouldn’t you at least try to lose some weight and attempt to look ruggedly handsome? Isn’t that in the playbook, a prerequisite, to be telegenic?

SARAH: He has no chance against dreamboat Edwards. I mean look at the guy— he’s a contemporary JFK, I tell you, a JFK!

Group starts throwing fruit snacks at Josh.

CLINTON: I couldn’t run as anything other than a woman.

ANAM: Um, because I thought you were going to run as a man?

SARAH: Or as Invader Zim?

COOPER: On sending troops to Darfur… You say U.N. troops. Does that mean American troops?

RICHARDSON: United Nations peacekeeping troops— and that would be primarily Muslim troops. Enough of our troops are in Iraq.

ANAM: Yeah, I guess he means troops from Arab countries, because there are no Muslim troops that are also American troops!

NIK: That’s a lovely coral pantsuit you’re wearing, Hil, I thought they didn’t wear color in New York?

KUCINICH: …now if people want to send that message to Congress, Anderson…

COOPER: Okay. Senator…

KUCINICH: …they can text “Peace,” 73223.

Everyone awws at Kucinich and then yells “Text peace! Text peace!”

GRAVEL: George Bush does not have the boots on the ground to invade Iran.

ANAM: You want some Werther’s Original, America?
Edwards: While the Iraqi parliament is on vacation, is George Bush going to be on vacation in Crawford, Texas? What we need to do is turn up the heat on George Bush and hold him responsible and make this president change course.

NIK: Oh my god, if I was a housewife in Arkansas named Rose-Claire, I’d totally be in love with him… what a stallion!

SARAH: I think he’s performing the best. He’s so suave.

ASHLEY: And coiffed.

JOSH: Like Dodd’s hair.

COOPER: Gov. Richardson, you have had to implement No Child Left Behind in your state. Would you scrap it? Revise it?

RICHARDSON: I would scrap it. It doesn’t work.

ASHLEY: Why is he a fatty?

ANAM: TEXT PEACE!