A Vote for Hillary is a Vote for McCain

I’m young.
Now wait, I’m not bragging. And don’t get scared, I’m no “To Catch a Predator” decoy, I swear. If I ever saw Chris Hansen, I’d give him a swift kick between the nuts; not because I think his show victimizes pedophiles or gives pedophilia an unfair rep. I just don’t like the guy. He’s a slick opportunist, constantly flossin’ and flaunting like he’s the NBC peacock. Do you know who I am, peder guy? I’m the NBC peacock! Get over yourself, Chris.
But I digress. My point is that I can do all the things any healthy 21-year-old can do: drink heavily without worrying about a hangover, smoke like Kurt Vonnegut without worrying about cancer (because young people are invincible!), and have nightly Roman orgies that would make Caligula blush a bit. (I’m just being ironic; healthy people don’t do these things. And don’t you think it’s interesting that the word “romantic” has the word “roman” in it?)
But I digress. My point is that as a 21-year-old I am in a very sought after age group. Because not only can I watch primetime television, I can also vote. With analysts predicting record voter turnout for the upcoming Super Tuesday primaries—especially among the 18-25-year olds—that kids my age wield an electoral power the likes of which haven’t been seen since the first “American Idol.” Hot damn, it’s a great time to be young and registered!
The rest of this entry will be directed at you young voters because I’m sure the mature voters, Romans, and pedophiles have already gone to their MySpace pages by now. So that leaves you.
This will also only address the democrats in the crowd. Let’s face it proud Elephants, your nominee is as good as chosen. Mitt Romney has been shredded during debates about the economy and is too wealthy to compete with John McCain’s war record; Rudy Giuliani’s pro-gay-marriage-and-stem-cell-research platform is too moderate for Republicans trying to forget about neo-conservatism; Mike Huckabee has been quick-witted during the debates but is completely broke; Ron Paul, bless him for trying, is too good to be true; and Fred Thompson? Well, you can’t be called an “Appalachian catfish wrestler” by Stephen Colbert and expect to become the most powerful man in the Western world. Republicans, McCain is your man.
Back to the Donkey devotees. This is very important. In 51 weeks, if you want a Democrat to be living in the White House, do NOT vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton on Super Tuesday. My reasons have nothing to do with her qualifications as a politician, as a wife, as a mother, or as a human being. It stems from the fact that I don’t think she can beat John McCain head-to-head.
He has absolutely bulldozed her up to this point. Look at it this way: the key to her campaign against Barack Obama has been her superior experience. She says she is ready to take office on day one unlike her rival the junior senator. But her experience is going to be mean absolutely nothing up against McCain’s “I was in the Hanoi Hilton while you were sipping Cosmos at Yale” routine.
The scrutiny could suffocate the Clintons. According to Frank Rich’s latest New York Times column, the New York Post uncovered evidence that the Clinton Library was partly funded by Saudi Arabian contributors. I can see the commercials now: (Spoken in the voice of one of those gruff movie trailer announcers): What does a Clinton supporter look like? The Clintons won’t reveal who contributed to their library. It’s no wonder. (Pan into a picture of a grinning Saudi holding an AK-47 and a barrel of oil; show how much money the Saudis contributed along the bottom) What does a Clinton supporter look like? See for yourself.
You don’t think the common voter will believe that? The same voters who thought a Purple Heart winner was less of a war hero than a man who railed lines of china all day on an air force base in the States? The same voters who twice elected a man who asked wondered aloud whether humans and fish could coexist peacefully? You get my point.
And let’s not forget that the only thing Republicans hate more than the Clintons are Osama Bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Sean Penn. What better way to reunite the party than with Bill Clinton-is-a-cheerleader-for-his-wife jokes? I can see the flash animations already—Bill in a frilly tutu wearing a blue dress and a cigar hanging out of his mouth. The horror.
But I digress. My point is that it is not a slam-dunk for Democrats this election, regardless of how poorly the previous president wielded his power.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a romantic orgy to attend.